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Shocking

I am sick.  Today I discovered something, a shocker. I am not physically sick, but inside, I can feel my body trying to accept this truth.  I suddenly don't know who am I anymore. 

What is it?  The victim mode.  I have always been in a victim mode all my life and without knowing it.  I have always felt unhappy with my life, blame others when things go wrong, get angry at the simplest thing and blaming myself.  I feel very sorry for myself. 

I am causing myself to be sick, to be depressed and down all the time by always be in a victim mode.  This also explains the left agnya catch.

When my cousin passed away in a car accident 10 years ago, I put the blame on myself.  I was guilty for many years and when anyone talk about this incident, deep inside I was swallowing all the pity.  Of course, I didn't realise it.

When a nasty thing happened to me last year, I had a really hard time trying to get out of it and to let go and move on.  I am still trying.  I blamed myself badly and whenever I think about my 'misfortune' I will shiver in disgust.  This is not good.

Why am I writing all this personal things down?  This is part of recovery.  I have been a victim for 30 years of my life.  I feel so tired and I want to change for good.

Part of the recovery process is to turn the focus outward and to help someone else.  I hope by writing it down, I can help another victim.  

It's going to be a tough process but with Shri Mataji's love, I am sure I will recover much faster than anyone.

Right now, I am doing research on how to get out of the victim mode.  I will combine whatever I can find online, all the advices and also Sahaja Yoga meditation to help me.  

Shri Mataji is already helping me very much.  I can always feel the left agnya catch, which is a sign the Divine gives me to tell me that I am not alright.


Shri Mataji, please guide me through this. 
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