Why is it the grass is always greener on the other side? Why is it that every cloud has a silver lining but I can't see or find that cloud?

It's starting to sound depressing.

I started blogging in 2005 (maybe even earlier).  It was an anonymous blog as I did not want anyone to know that it was me who was writing.  It was full of unhappy posts, complaining about life and it became a very depressing blog.  The reason why I started the blog was because I wanted to vent my frustrations.  Since I cannot do it in real life (no one knows I was depressed), I needed an outlet. 

Some of you who have been following my blog will asked, "2005?  You are already a Sahaja Yogi since 2000.  Why depressed in 2005?"

You know how a caterpillar transforms into a beautiful butterfly?  The metamorphosis of life?  How the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and later the butterfly will need to break the cocoon (I think) before it can come out and fly?  Yup, I was going through that process of finding myself through Sahaja Yoga.  There were layers that I needed to shed before finding my spirit, my real self.  The process is still ongoing but at least now I am much clearer about life and myself.

In the end, I deleted the blog because I was unhappy with what's in it and does not want to see it anymore.  At that time, I have a few regular followers because blogs were new that time.  

Then in 2006, after coming back from LA, fully charged up from the 2 pujas I attended there, I decided to start a blog on my spiritual journey.  Thus, this blog was born.  I wanted to write about all the beautiful things that I have encountered during this journey.  I wrote all the happy moments and want my blog to be all full of happy posts.  So I tried not to blog when I am unhappy.

Then there was a time when I was so busy with work that I neglected this blog.  

Slowly this blog has some readers.  I publicised this blog when I first started and my friends were reading it.  But when I neglected my blog, they also forgotten to read.  But there are still some readers.  Most people who came here, found out about my blog through Google search.  Very few actually came here direct.  Thanks to Google Analytics (which I just incorporated into my blog a month ago), I finally found out more about my readers.  Although the number of average readers to my blog is about only 4 per day, these people are from all over the world!!!  The world map is almost covered.

Thank you very much to all the readers.

Now back to the title. 

Why this title?  Because that is how I think all the time, even now.  I feel that my blog posts are very self-absorbed, it's all about me, me and me.  Yes, it's about my spiritual journey, but can you see the pattern that I only write about how my life is, how my work it, how I am feeling, etc, etc?  Although sometimes I put some of Shri Mataji's speech, something about Sahaja Yoga, this blog is mostly about me.  

The beauty about Sahaja Yoga is that the journey is full of surprises.  That is how I get to learn about myself, my behaviour, my chakras and my subtle system.  This is also how I learn about life, other people, code of conduct, moral, discipline, dharma and many more.

But maybe because of my upbringing, maybe because of my past lives, maybe because of my surroundings, I have a pessimistic character.  (I know my dad is like that too and maybe that's why I also become like that but since I am an adult working in a professional line, I should know better.)

Sometimes I feel my life is like a rainbow, full of vibrant colours and sometimes I feel my life is like a routine with no purpose that I cannot see anything good coming out of anything I am doing, that I feel other people is living a better life than me, that I feel I am the unhappiest person on earth, that I feel stuck and hopeless, hence the title.  

You know how they say life is full of ups and downs?  Yup, I feel I am on a roller coaster but this roller coaster is only going down and not up.  Ha ha.

The past 1 week I have been on medication and only today I am completely off it and the effects of the medication is wearing off.  The past 1 week, I could not feel my heart.  I was harsh and hard on myself and others.  I was rude and obnoxious that I feel the whole world should listen to my woes. 

Now that the effect is leaving me, I am back to being myself more.  

There is always a constant struggle to get myself from being in a dark hole to seeing the bright sun.  I don't know why I am always struggling.  Thanks to Shri Mataji, when I feel there's no hope in this world, She is there to lift me up.  Sometimes I don't even realise that She already lifted me up, through many things.

Today is one of those things.

I find that I talked about myself a lot and I told my friend.  She said, yes, I am always the main actor in the drama and others are always the villains.  Yup, I have never realised this part of me.  Others are always the supporting actors or props.  The world only revolves around me, NOT!  

I can see myself a bit better today.  Sometimes reading blogs helped a lot (depends on what blogs you are reading).  Some are inspirational blogs (may not be Sahaja Yoga blog).  I was reading on featured bloggers of the month and was reading each month from November 2008 onwards and read something written by this beautiful girl who is so positive about life, believes in herself and basically life is too short to mess around.  Sometimes from what the writer writes, you can tell how they are right?  Whether they are immature, shallow, deep, smart or not?  

I start to think about this blog.  I know I have written many things about myself and may come across as someone who is immature, self-absorbed and full of herself.  Yes, I am aware of that now.

Yesterday, a Sahaja Yogini passed away after a long illness.  May she rest in peace.  

It makes me think of my family.  They may not be Sahaja Yogis, but they have taken good care of me and I am very grateful for that.  Every morning, my mom make breakfast for me and when I reached home, dinner is ready.

It makes me think of my dog.  He is always wagging his tail, whether rain or shine, whether he is hungry or not, whether he is in pain or not.  Dogs live in the present and Madhyam taught me to do so.

It makes me think of my Sahaj family.  Without you guys, I would probably be in the dumps by now. 

It makes me think of life.  Life is short.  Appreciate daily.  

In the end, don't think so much.  Live everyday happily and rewards will come.  Live everyday sadly and more struggles will come.  Says who, says me.

Thank You, oh Divine Mother, who knows each and everyone of us, who keeps us in Your heart, who protects us from bad things and who loves us unconditionally.  

Thank You very much and I love You, Shri Mataji.