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Random thoughts

I have actually written through iGoogle and something happened and everything vanishes.

I have been blogging through iGoogle for the past few days and I actually felt very out of touch with my blog.  Maybe because there's a few functions which cannot be used there, like I cannot post a photo from there.

I was very emo yesterday, which got me to thinking.

'Am I happy?'

I am talking about my job.  I drive to work, stuck in jam, do work, stuck in jam, come back home.  

In my old job, because it was very near to my house, I was there within 5 minutes with no jams.  Everyday in my old job, there's work to do.  So much so that I have to come back during weekends to finish up.  That's when I found out that I am actually a workaholic.  I love being busy and people asking me questions (although when I was actually doing it, I was not so pleased about it).  Contradicting myself.

Anyway, this new job is very relaxing.  My work is routine work, but it's more like a monthly routine and weekly routine.  Not a daily routine work.  So that left me with a lot of time reading blogs, writing emails, organising the Yuvas, etc, etc.  My manager knows that I surf a lot but she didn't say anything about it (which is good).  But sometimes, I don't know what I am doing.  I don't know whether I am doing something correctly and in the end, I feel so worried and don't feel like coming to work.  Everything I do, there's fear.

So, I asked myself, 'Am I happy doing what I am doing now?'


Sometimes I thought to myself, Shri Mataji puts me here for a reason, which I don't know what and don't know why.  Then last Saturday, Shri Mataji said in Her speech that we don't have to worry about money because God will take care of it.  So, my question is, 'Does that mean that if Divine has arranged something for me, I just accept it and be happy about it?'

What is happiness?
I know I have said that happiness lies in our hands.  I believe that.  So, the answer to my question will be, 'Divine puts me here for a reason, maybe because I have more time to do Sahaj work now compare to last time.  Since happiness is in my hand, wherever Divine puts me, if I am determine to be unhappy, to grumble and complain, then I will be unhappy, no matter where I am.  But if I change things around, do things without complaining, accept everything, surrender to God wholeheartedly, be happy inside and out, then I will be happy.  When I am happy, things will work out eventually.'

I know I question too much and think too much.  Well, as I said earlier, I was emo.  Happy now?


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