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I am a scare-dy cat

I got it from my dad.  Somehow our heart chakra is not that strong.  My sister got it from my mom and she has a lot of guts.  When I was in my teens, I would not even dare to talk to the salesgirl and have to push my friend to ask how much is something.  Everyone said I am a quiet person because I don't talk much.  If only they knew that I am quiet because I am too scared to talk.  

Everyone thought that I am brave and confident with myself because I know how to deal with banks, does all the house admin work, the first person in my family to apply for credit card and cheque book while the other family members have no idea how to do any of those.  Well, it took me a long time to open up and learn all this.  But going to college helps a big deal to boost my self-confidence because by then I have to stay outside and be independent.  Also, not to mention, mixing with a good friend of mine from secondary school, whom had taught me a lot of things because she knew independence since primary school. 

But still, when it comes to making decision, I will shiver in fright, no matter how small the decision is.  If it is a big decision, I would almost have a nervous breakdown.  Decisions that will change my life and so on.  Even the basic decisions like whether to buy or not to buy, I cannot make and if someone is there with me, I would ask and ask and if no one is there, I would ask myself again and again.  It's crazy, but it's true.

Over time, it is definitely getting better.  I can talk to salesgirl now, ask for directions, talk to strangers, make announcements and just did a presentation (phew).  But there is still a teeny weeny bit of worried-ness that is still in me.  People who are polite would say that I am being very careful.  

Now at work, there are a lot of decisions to be made, especially this new job.  In the previous job, all decisions are made by managers, so I just ask and I will get the answer.  But now, it's different.  I am worried all the time that my decisions are wrong and that it is not as per the policies and so on.  Everyday I am wondering whether I am making the right choice.  It's making me crazy.  So, I will ask and ask and look like I am incompetent at my work.  I can't seem to think straight.

A few years back, Shri Mataji came into my dream and told me that I don't have courage.  I have been wondering what that means and only recently, slowly but surely, I am getting the answer.  

My heart is so affected because my mind doesn't allow it to open.  My mind thinks of all the can't do, what if, shoulda-woulda-coulda and negative thoughts.  And because of all of this and connects to the theory of attraction, I seem to attract negative things to myself, like things won't work out.  I am so glad I am in Sahaj because the negative thoughts of mine get a full-stop and even if my mind is stubborn enough to penetrate my vibrations with negative thoughts, somehow, Divine will make it a better day.  I shudders when I thought of what will happen to me if I am not in Sahaj.  Sahaj has make me safe and sound.  A cushion when I fall.

Shri Mataji mentioned in the Easter Puja talk 1991 (I think) that if our Agnya is blocked, our Sahasrara cannot open.  So, we must say 'I forgive' to open up the agnya.

When we say 'I forgive' sincerely, I feel that our heart also opens up as we let go hatred and anger in us.  So, when our heart is open, then we feel joyful (I think I said that many times before) and when we are joyful and happy, and with no thoughts in our Agnya, our Sahasrara opens up like a flower.  I have experience that on the last day in Vashi, the feeling of no worldly desire, no worries, no fear, just walking on the streets of India, alone, enjoying the nature, the people, the surrounding and the environment.  Just enjoying the present.  That feeling was so great, I wish I could do that all the time.

Everything happens for a reason and I know that there must be a reason I got this job.  Maybe to strengthen my heart chakra?   

The doctor in Vashi told me that to strengthen the heart chakra, we do this: 

Recite 'Ma Jagadambe' (12 times) loudly.  When we recite 'Ma', your attention should start from Mooladhara to the Sahasrara, so we drag the 'Ma' slowly.  When we recite 'Jagadambe', our attention is on our heart.  

It works when I did it because we put our attention in doing it properly.  It doesn't work when I did it mechanically, like just reciting but mind is wondering.  

I hope that my heart chakra will be stronger day by day.
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