Stuck in MCO and this happen!

I am loving Blogger's new look.  Haven't been here for a long time, even during quarantine, although have all the time in the world, but not really in the mood to write.  

Past few months, lots had happened, especially spiritually.  So, today, I would like to write it down so that I can remember this moment forever.  

The whole realisation started from one chakra to another.  The whole subtle system was touched.  It was truly a discovery of the self.

Pingala Nadi - Right Channel

We started becoming very right sided.  Because we were unsure of the future, lots of thoughts of what ifs.  Worry for the economy, worry for the sick, worry for the virus.  It was just thoughts, thoughts and thoughts.

Ida Nadi - Left Channel

Then we became left sided.  After days of not doing anything, sleeping late, no exercise, no discipline, we became lazy and lethargic.

Heart

When MCO started, lots of us has fears of the unknown.  With infections and number of deaths rising, many began to wonder if there is an end to this pandemic.  Some became more and more agitated and nervous.  

For me, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.  Before I switched off my office PC on 17th March 2020, I was threatened by my boss that if I don't come out with any work during the 2 weeks (first MCO), I will get a pay cut.  I have to prove that I am worth my salary.  I was scared too.

The problem was, we were not provided with any laptop to do the work.  We have to depend on our home laptop/PC which many of us don't have or in very bad condition as we don't need to use a laptop or PC when at home.  

The direction wasn't clear.  Threats were thrown.  Bosses feared for the economy and losses.  Staff were confused to the max.

On top of that, my husband wasn't getting paid.  So I felt very stressful financially and also emotionally due to work pressure.

Agnya

From fear, anger also came.  As some of us have no place to vent our anger, some vented on our kids or people who are vulnerable.  Shouts, scoldings, beatings.  

Lots of I-ness involved.  I am good.  I am smart.  I can do this.  I don't care what you all do.  I want this.  I am this.  Ego and superego have their play.  

I was all high on ego.  Suddenly became the breadwinner of the family when my husband wasn't getting paid, I became such an important person.  I also had to do grocery run as the 'ketua rumah'.  I also had a lot of suppressed anger in me.  

And was also involved in helping to clear a yogi who was down with some negativity and suddenly I felt so important and special.  

Vishuddhi

From scolding my kid, I became very guilty after that.  I lost myself.  I lost it completely.  Was also expressing my anger a lot to my mom and husband.  Just didn't know what to do in such volatile times.  

Nabhi

Lots of worry financially.  Couldn't find peace although we were all staying at home, there was no peace at home.  Mistakes made at work and boss exploded.  I wasn't being very efficient working from home.  Worked throughout the day, through weekends, through public holidays and one Sunday, I worked till 3am and sent the email out at 3.30am.  Liver was so heated up.  Overworking.  Was working so much until my girl and nephew asked why I cannot play with them.  That they want to talk to my boss about it.  Lol!

Was feeling very uneasy inside.  No idea why or what.  Was swinging from left to right.  Feeling depressed at times.  Feeling angry at times.

Swadisthan

Non-stop thinking and lots of reactions.  I tried to divert my attention to making a dollhouse for my girl.  At least to activate the creativity.  

Also diverted my attention to baking.  Now that we have so much time in the world, we can explore our skills.  But this is all external.

Here's what me and my mom made during the MCO.

Lots of desserts and pastry.  We also grew our own bean sprout.

Sahasrara

With so many chakras blocked, it was difficult to put the attention on the Sahasrara.  Thank goodness for the effort of the Indian yogis and many yogis all around the world to come up with mass collective meditation via YouTube.

But something is still missing.  We joined the pujas, we did the aarti at our home, we gave small offerings at our altar, but I was still feeling very agitated and annoyed.

The Meditation

What really helped me to sort myself out was the daily collective morning meditation on YouTube where Shri Mataji's speech was played.  Sometimes Pratishthan channel, sometimes Nirmal Dham channel.

All the meditation would start with Mahamantras and then Shri Ganesha's mantra and then balance left and right.  Initially, I reacted because every single day it was the same form.  Yes, ego play and lots of I-ness during this time.  I insisted that meditation should be silent and no mantras should be recited in the morning meditation.  So, I would switch off the volume and only turn it on during Shri Mataji's speech.  

But, I was unable to sit through the meditation and speech.  Lots of thoughts and feeling very uneasy and want to just finish it fast.  Wasn't able to meditate properly.  So then I thought better to join the collective meditation from start to finish.  Then found I was able to go deeper into meditation.  So, day after day, I would do this whenever possible.  It helped so much to calm me down and get me started on the day.

Yet, I had reactions.  Lots of them.  Constantly non-stop reactions.  Also came from the I-ness.  I was this.  I think this.  I think it would be better that way.  I am feeling this.  I did this.  So much of me, me and me.  And giving my opinions freely.

Also, my left heart was catching a lot.  Kept clearing but it was still there.  Did everything that needed to be done.  Footsoak, candle, adjwain and camphor, shoebeat, paperburn, lime, coconut.  Only didn't do matka pot because we couldn't go out to dispose it so thought never mind.  

Slowly, things started changing.  From the morning 1 hour meditation each day, to clearing and footsoaking and shoebeat and to having collective meditation with the sisters, to genuinely introspecting, something clicked.  That something didn't start from me.  It started in our little 4 year old girl.

Mooladhara

One evening, during footsoak session, she said this prayer, "Shri Mataji, please put cool vibrations into my heart.  Thank You!"  She started praying more since I told her during footsoaking and meditation session, can only speak to Shri Mataji and no one else.  

When she did that prayer, in my heart I smiled because it was so cute and innocent.  Then was wondering if she knew what it means to have cool vibrations in the heart, because I don't.  No matter how many times I have recited, "Shri Mataji, please come into my heart.  Please clear my heart so that You can put Your Lotus Feet in my heart.", I still don't understand how it feels to have cool vibrations in my heart or to have Shri Mataji in my heart.

We also did our usual, "May God bless you" prayer to everyone that we remembered.  Usually she would do for me and I would do for her.  

We went to bed as usual after raising our kundalini and bandhan and after the Shri Nidra mantra.  

The Dream

Then I had that dream.

Shri Mataji was in Her red sari and we were in a dining room and all sitting at the dining table.  I was sitting next to Her.  She told me that the puja photo on my altar does not have good vibrations.  Bring it to show Her.  She found behind the photo, someone had put some old, deformed, scratched pendants of Her as backing for the photo.  She peeled it out one by one and put them under Her right palm while we continue casually chatting.

When She opened Her palm, the pendants were back to normal and She distributed to us.  We were all amazed by the miracle.  Then someone said we will adjourn to a nearby Hometown restaurant for dinner with Shri Mataji and later to the One World Hotel where Shri Mataji was staying.

One yogi saw Shri Mataji's swollen feet and told that he will bring Her a bucket of warm water to soak Her feet.  Shri Mataji replied, "My feet are warm, not cold."

Then my little girl came to me and I introduced her to Shri Mataji but she was a little shy.  Told her to say, "Jai Shri Mataji", but she refused.  Then Shri Mataji laid on the floor so that my girl can hug Shri Mataji and be closer to Her and be comfortable.

My heart was filled with so much joy and love and vibrations.  I kept refusing to wake up and was going deeper and deeper into meditation and in thoughtless awareness state.  I woke up and thought to myself, OMG, She really came to my dream.  She spoke!

And that was it!

Since that dream, something happened to me.  The same feeling I had when I left Vashi in 2009.  The feeling of being so surrendered and detached to everything.  My heart feels so much of Shri Mataji inside.  So, it all started with the Heart.

With this feeling, so many aspects came to balance.  No fear, no worry of the future.  If we keep Shri Mataji in our heart, so many things worked out.  Even if it doesn't worked out, I didn't make a fuss and just make it work out.  And it did.  It was so easy, effortless and spontaneous.  Reactions were lesser and best part I could see my ego clearly.  Where it came from, where to stop it.  Why I am like this when others are not.  Lots of introspection on my inner being.

Certain times I felt like replying a message to state my opinion and I stopped short and thought better not to.  Ego don't get a chance to express.  At work, was feeling uncomfortable and uneasy with my boss. But now was able to deal with her with love instead.  Spoke to her politely and did whatever she told to do and was able to do it so efficiently and without mistakes until she had nothing to correct or to say.  She is also milder and not aggressive and rude.

Even at times, I would say some nonsense or something stupid.  Then was able to laugh at it and let it go.  Didn't hold any grudges, didn't feel angry, didn't feel like things wasn't working out.  No jealousy, don't care what people say, things will just work out if we stay in this feeling.  

I don't know what is happening to me.  I think this is what Shri Mataji has said.  The Nirvichara state.  The Nirvikalpa state.  Where we don't have thoughts and we don't doubt the Divine power.

What I came to realise was all the negative feeling was stemming in me.  It started with my own thought, created by my own ego and superego.  There was no one else to put this negative energy in me except myself.  For instance, one day, I was feeling very upset with my mom.  I drove out and suddenly I find like the whole world is against me.  Then I thought ok, let's do this differently.  Law of attraction.  If I feel the whole universe is good and positive, then good and positive will happen.  And it did.  

And about forgiveness.  I thought what is there to keep this grudge and anger in my heart.  It wasn't making me feel any better.  It was making me feel worse.  Relationship was not great.  So why be so egoistical about my own anger?  I spoke to my mom again and forgave her what her words that hurt me.  

And then about reactions.  I always thought that those who do bad will be punish severely and when that didn't happened, I felt really upset.  I always had this feeling of tit-for-tat.  From young, I wanted to see karma on those who did bad things on others.  But instead karma wasn't instant.  They even got a better life than me.  I was filled with jealousy and envy.  Was thinking to myself, what's the point of being the good guy when the bad guy lives a better life than me?  Forget about ascent.  Let's just be the bad guy, that's what I thought.

Conclusion:

In summary, it all started with good and deep meditation in the morning, which awaken the senses to introspect more to see the weakness and recognise where the ego is coming from.  I realised I haven't been sincerely meditating for a long, long time, until we were stuck at home.  

Once the Agnya is open, pray sincerely from the heart and it brought me heights on the Sahasrara.  I really hope this feeling can last and be able to sustain this forever.

Jai Shri Mataji!