Ego play

For years, I have been struggling with the play of the ego.  Before Sahaj I was unable to recognise it.  After Sahaj when I began to understand it, I realised that ego forms a big part of my life.  Somehow I feel it has something to do with the fact that I am a Leo.  Leos are known to be attention seeker and always want attention on themselves and always want to lead and be right.  Not sure whether it applies to all Leos but I definitely have this.

Now I am going through a transition period.  This transition period is similar to when I just came into Sahaj.  In the very beginning, it was the accepting part that was a bit troublesome.  Then after acceptance, it was quite easy and lovely.  Everyday, Shri Mataji make it easy for us to accept Sahaj.  We could feel vibrations easily and clearing was so easy. 

Then very slowly, we start to feel some obstacles in our life.  Tests after tests.  Sometimes we passed, sometimes we failed.  When we passed, we ascent to a different level.  When we failed, we learn from our mistake and try again.  Sometimes we fall into a deep hole and have to crawl up again.  My biggest test is the ego and it's still happening. 

When I am excited about something, I want to share to the whole world.  What I thought is sharing will turn out to be boasting.

When I am given something to do, the first thought is, 'wow, I must be good to be selected to do this'.

When something goes wrong and it doesn't go the way I wanted it to be, I blame the whole world instead of myself.

Self-centredness is something I was brought up to be.  Through Sahaja Yoga, Shri Mataji sent many angels to remind me about this and to change for the better.  I am very blessed to have a Sahaja Yogi sister who constantsly remind me about my ego and to just see it, clear it, surrender it.

The new phase I am starting is a blessing by Shri Mataji.  It was a huge strike to the ego.  Before accepting, I was doubting and wondering why me.  After accepting, it turns out to be a blessing in disguise.  I was happy and enjoying every single waking moment.  But the happiness soon turn out to be an ego play.  Deep in my heart, I want people to ask me about it (attention seeker), I want to show them that I have a very good life (showing off) and I want to tell them what a great thing is happening to me (boasting).  Some of it I did.  What turns out to be excitement, make me very egoistical.  The best part is, I can't see all of this until someone tells me about it.

Full moon and new moon always have an effect on me.  I thought I was just being supertitious, so each time I will ignore these 2 phenomenons.  But soon I realise that each time when it comes to full moon and new moon, all my weaknesses get exposed, especially the ego.

Many times I am thinking about this new phase of life.  Shri Mataji really loves me, I feel, because this new phase that She has given me will really hit me hard on my head and bring me back to earth, for a long long time to come.  It's almost like a permanent solution to this ego problem.  

Surrendering the thoughts and ego is one of the hardest thing I find that I have to do.  This is life isn't it?  In Sahaj, Shri Mataji teaches us to change our bad habits to be a better human being.  Without obstacles and tests, how do we know whether we are on the right track?  I come to the point that I have accepted that I have an ego problem and need to work extra hard at removing it.  Sometimes when I come back to earth, I feel a little guilty about having ego.  But that too is the ego play.  It's just everywhere.  

The best clearing I find for ego is, to just sit, be quiet and meditate.  Don't talk so much, don't recite too much, don't do too much clearing.  Just sit and meditate.  That's the only time I truly see myself and the only time I actually feel the connection and Divine love. 

It's not easy to deal with the ego and it is something we have to surrender.  Surrendering is easier said than done but better than none.  So sometimes saying many times 'I surrender' actually do help.  In the end you will know how to surrender.

Not sure whether everyone feels like what I felt because everyone's journey is different.  This is my journey right now.  Somewhat challenging, yet rewarding and most of the time I feel I am so blessed and moving on to a new phase, a new beginning.