Recently I went through a rough patch of life. Difference of opinions and ego clashed caused a small misunderstanding to become huge.
As I was recovering from it, I found that it was very difficult to get out of it and I didn't know why or how. I kept feeling the ego but at the same time deny having ego and refused to clear it and feels it is someone else's ego. I kept getting the message that it is my own ego causing havoc. But at the same time, felt so wronged and misunderstood and felt that although it is partly my fault, but the other person also has their faults and was not told of it. I was very frustrated. I wanted to tell the whole world about the situation I was in. Trying to get someone to sympathies with me yet when someone actually does, I felt so guilty.
Past few days was the hardest. From feeling being victimized, it went to being in denial, anger, guilty and it kept on repeating. From tears of sadness to tears of anger to tears of frustration, I felt the whole subtle system was getting a thorough workout. I couldn't sleep and head was pounding. My girl's vibrations were so bad that I can't feel any breeze from her. Neither my husband can feel anything from her. Deep inside, I knew that if I just gave up my ego, sincerely accept my mistake then I can move on from this episode. But still, I felt it wasn't my fault, at least not completely my fault.
I cleared at night during meditation, but I wasn't sincere about it. The moment I cleared and then the thoughts of being victimized and misunderstood came back and it was back to square one again. The headaches continued and tears started streaming again. I tried to distract myself by watching comedies but that just for temporary. The headaches were still strong. Then another sleepless night.
The next day, I guess Mother Kundalini was trying hard to let me know that She wants to clear me. Because while at work, I find suddenly my hand is circling around my right agnya and removing the catches although my ego didn't want to do that. Slowly, my thoughts changed. From being from very angry, misunderstood and helpless and embarrassed, suddenly I felt calmer and withdrew back all the things I told in frustration and took a short break on social media. My heart felt lighter. Probably the effects of Akshaya Tritiya too.
By the end of the work day, I didn't feel as angry or as frustrated as before. In fact, I felt normal again. As if nothing happened. After dinner, immediately decided to footsoak first before shower. The headaches were still there but not as strong as before. Did the Prayer to Shri Buddha, did the Lord's Prayer, asked for forgiveness, but this time very sincerely and finally felt cool breeze. Had a very peaceful and quiet meditation and deep. When it was time for my girl to do her footsoak, her vibrations were so cool even before putting her feet into the water. I was amazed how my vibrations affected her so much.
From this episode, I realised that there are many types of negativities within us. We are very familiar with the kind of negativity that is outside. Say bhoot from someone or somewhere else. But the one created by ourselves, is something we hardly recognise.
Anger + Ego + Reaction = Headaches. This is something created by ourselves, by our own ego. And when we keep on blaming others for this problem, the catch cannot be cleared. Only when we recognise this problem is from us and stemming from us and not others, then only we can go to the root problem and clear it out.
Although I sincerely and honestly think that I am not 100% wrong, but I felt it wasn't worth it to keep on hanging onto this. The headaches, the sleepless nights, the heavy heart, the endless thought of who is right or not, totally not worth the pain. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. What's more important is our own Spirit. We are answerable to only God and not others.
I am thankful and feel so blessed to have to go through this episode to see for myself. Thankful that there are sisters who corrected me, although that was also difficult to bear.
I have to admit that prior to this episode, I wasn't quite balance myself. I wasn't having sincere meditation in the morning and evening. I wasn't clearing myself properly and just did a simple footsoak with my girl at night. So when another catalyst added to this, it became a bomb and exploded. Because of all this, I couldn't think straight. I do things without thinking and I thought I was being very professional and systematic, but others think otherwise.
And today, I found the difference in me. Probably wiser to not react to every words, every emails, every messages. And no need to be so fast in replying anyone although I am accessible to do it. In fact, no need to write or say anything at all. And just let it be.
I feel the negativity within us that was created by us is easier to clear but harder to recognise. While the negativity from the outside is harder to clear but easy to recognise.
If we don't recognise the negativity within us and keep on rehashing and pampering the ego, the negativity will just keep coming back. No matter how much shoebeat, how much bandhan, how much paper burning, how much clearing we do, it will always come back. Unless and until we surrender the ego, that we recognise the root problem stems from the ego and ego only, we won't be able to get rid of all the aches and pains in our body. Same with conditioning. Once agnya is cleared, the kundalini rises very fast and clear the chakras easily. Our thoughts, our ego became our obstruction.
But, it is not easy to recognise. It is not easy to back down once the ego is hurt. And we keep on going around, looking for others to agree with us, to keep on pampering our ego. And when we found the person who agrees with us, our ego gets bigger and bigger and harder for us to back down further. In this episode, somehow I couldn't find anyone to agree with me or to hear me out. The person I was closed to were all overseas at the same time! And I can't explain to my husband and I knew he will be bias anyway, so his opinion doesn't add weight to my ego, I thought. I needed someone independent in this situation to hear me out and there was none. Which was a good thing.
Easier said than done. But once you recognise that it doesn't really worth the pain to spoil the vibrations like this, then it clears off immediately. It was very amazing!
Now, to just hope that this doesn't happen again in the future. I am so tired of all this nonsense. If only I saw it coming, if only I realise the aftereffects, I wouldn't have done what I have done. I would have just stop reacting, stop writing and just stop everything and drop it.
So being in meditation in everything we do and just don't react but witness, is the best.