Everything happened for a reason

When we believe that everything happened for a reason, then we won't be disappointed.

Since delivery, I feel as if there are way too many obstacles.  I am sure this is a test.  It has to be a test coz otherwise I cannot accept why it is happening like this.

Everyday is a challenge.  Be it at home or at work.  Before the first issue subside, another issue arise.  It's been like that for the past few months.

Having a baby does give us additional responsibility.  My duty to pump milk for her every few hours, everyday has been tiring but yet I felt very satisfying.

It's the other things that are beyond my control that really irks me.  Things like people's behaviour, what others are saying, what others are doing to my baby and so on.  Every single day, without fail, all I can say is "I Surrender" but how much I am able to do it is another question.

I am pretty sure the negativity out there is strong and keep pulling us down.  I remember reading Shri Mataji's speech, can't forget which year and She mentioned that if bad things still happen to us after SR, then something is wrong with us.

I do believe I am still not balance.  And having a baby, everything suddenly became overwhelmed.  Throw us completely out of balance.  It's probably a way to get us back to balance, but I find each day, I am just waiting for her to grow up, for her to sleep better at night, so that we get better rest as well and can get back to our routine.  I can't seem to enjoy the present with her and I feel very bad about it.

Never mind about baby for now.  I want to talk about the challenges and obstacles at work.  I feel truly disheartened and demotivated to continue.  And I want to share my inner thoughts here.

When I was pregnant, there was an incident that still stays in my heart though I have forgiven that person.  I just can't forget because I was hurt.  I was put in-charge of a new project that involves another manager besides the one I report to directly.  This male manager I have always respected though I don't report to him.  I feel he is understanding and compassionate compared to the female manager that I report to.  And because he is a family man as well, I feel he understand the challenges of a new parent.  Compared to my female manager who is single.

One day, he was in a bad mood and I went to him asking if I can proceed a job that wasn't given approval yet by him because he said to hold on first.  I remembered that he told me to hold on.  But because of pregnancy and I was very forgetful, I began to doubt myself.  And he suddenly burst out and said the approval was given to me earlier to proceed.  I said no.  But he insisted.  Who am I to argue with him, moreover I was heavily pregnant.  I just left it because I wasn't sure myself if he truly has given the approval.  There's no email and no written statement.  Only verbal.

Days later, I went to him again and updated him on the project.  Because the manager that I report to told me to update her and update him as well separately.  He reprimanded me for updating my direct manager.  He asked why am I telling things to my direct manager?  I was shocked.  He feels that I am a tale-teller and almost like a spy.  She is my direct manager and I report to her directly.  How can I not report to her?  I was upset and mad at the circumstances.  It's truly uncalled for and I felt injustice.

You see, my direct manager is not someone everyone likes.  Because of her speech and behaviour, a lot of people doesn't like to share things with her.  Unfortunately for me, because I report to her, I fall into that category as well.

For the past 6 years that I worked under her, it took me a year to understand her.  And even then, I tried so hard to understand why she behaves the way she behaves.  I don't understand why another human being just want to give a hard time for her subordinates, just to show that she can and that she has the power.  She doesn't behave like that with her boss.  After some time, I just gave up trying to understand her.  I just do my work and do what was told to me.

Last year, throughout my pregnancy, I didn't have much work to do.  I am not sure if it was on purpose because they wanted to reduce my work load or just that there wasn't any work for me to do.  I have changed my portfolio in 2014 to concentrate on a new project.  But that project has already ended.  And after that, there wasn't much to do.

I spent most of my work time doing nothing, surfing the net.  And then came performance review time and I was told by my immediate manager that I have under-performed in 2015.  As a result of that, my increment was less favourable.

Two months post-partum, I have to go back to work with a heavy heart because I missed baby a lot.  During maternity leave, no one follow up on my work.  Not even my immediate manager.  So when I came back, work was piling up.

I was happy about it.  At least there's work waiting rather than not doing anything and sitting around and waiting for work to come.  And so, I started following up all my work and was waiting for others to reply to me.  Again, the waiting game and did nothing but to sit and wait and follow up by email and phone.

Then my immediate manager felt as though I have nothing to do and reprimanded me.  When I said reprimanded, she used her high tone and angry voice to talk to me.  And as usual, being rude and disrespectful.  She said she doesn't want to see me sitting there, wasting time while everyone else is chasing for dateline.  Sure enough, all my other colleagues stayed back after work and came weekends to finish up their work while I left home sharp as I needed to attend to my baby.  Again, I felt injustice and unfairness creeping.  I defended and said I am doing work and was just following up.

One incident, I let you all to decide.  I was following up with this person via email on an invoice that my manager needed urgently and I did not cc-ed to my manager.  Perhaps that's my bad.  While waiting for the other person to reply, I got reprimanded about not doing work.  And when I came back to my place, the person has replied and I printed out the invoice and pass it to my manager.  She was like, "oh you finally call them is it? "  It's as if I only did my work upon being reprimanded by her.  And I told her, no I have been following up on this.

Because my manager felt like I am not using my time effectively, she started piling my work with ad-hoc jobs.  Things that she is supposed to do but she asked me to do.  Suddenly, I have so much to do and all different things and all came at once.  But I still have no complaints about it and happy to do the work.  I kinda like this kind of ad-hoc projects rather than monthly closing.

Then yesterday, the straw that broke the camel's back happened.  I was in her room to pass her some things and then she reprimanded me again.  This time she said I gave her sub-standard work quality and she expected a higher quality from me.  And that she is doing my job rather than me doing it and that I was just not doing it well.  I kept quiet.

This is what happened.  Just last week, she told me that she needed me to create a new company in the system and have it up and running by end of May 2016.  I was given 1 week to do it.  So, before she went on 2 days leave, I quickly did a setup and emailed it to her for review.  She didn't reply.

When she came back to work, I reminded her.  I cannot setup the new company in the system until the basic setup is approved by her.  Delayed..delayed from her side and her excuse was that I gave a lousy job to her, that's why so much to review.

Today it's already 27 May and still no approval given.  And I have 2 more days on 30 and 31 May to do this setup.  Not that I can't do it.  But it will be rush.

When I complained to my colleague, who reports directly to the male boss, she said this to me, "I wish I never have to change boss."  What does this tell you?

So, tell me.  What went wrong?  Is the problem lies with me?  Is it because I am not balance enough, so all these negativity still happened to me?

We used to sit together in the same room and she can see what I am doing.  Ever since she got her own room and sit separately from me, she feels I am not doing my work at all.  She is micro-managing every single thing I am doing as if to check and see if I am lagging anywhere.

I just feel so tired and exhausted, having to look after a 4 month old, having to pump many times a day and having to deal with this nonsense.

And best part was I started yesterday with a positive mood.  And ended my day feeling very unhappy and down.

And I gave my best.  When I was 8 months pregnant, because she was delaying some things, I have to drive around looking for a vendor to do a rubber stamp, just because they wanted it urgently.  And what does she care?  Nothing.

I can tolerate discrimination but when another woman discriminate a woman, it's something I cannot understand.

Should I make myself available in the job market again?  Is it too risky to change job now that the economy is not good and so many companies are retrenching?  Moreover, baby is still so small and financially very tight.

But all these are messing with me.  I just feel so disappointed that despite working here for 6 years, there is still no understanding between the boss and me.  Not only that, common courtesy of respect also lacking.  Maybe I should just leave.  Maybe it's my ego after all.  Maybe I am not balance and reacting too much and not being a witness.

But I tried my best and gave my best.  If she is still too blind to see, then I have nothing to say.  It doesn't mean that if I don't stay back to work or come at weekends, that I am not doing my best.

I hope things will be better soon.  I truly hope so.