I have been wondering about this for a few days now. I wondered why are we here on Earth? What are we doing here? What's our purpose in life? Why are we becoming what we are now? Is this what we are?
From young, I have always wondered, is there God? Where is He? I was brought up to believe in Kuan Yin, the Goddess of Mercy. I remembered once, I was 8 years old and I lost my ruler. I searched high and low and still can't find it. Then I prayed to Kuan Yin, please let me find it. And, I'd found it.
I believe in God very much. I believe there is a bigger power, a higher power above us. But at the same time, my faith in God is not strong enough.
One day, my parents brought us to see this medium. We were pretty young and this happened 20 years ago. This medium claimed that Kuan Yin will entered her body and anyone who ask for anything will be granted, with a price. I saw her and oh my, I have never seen a bad-tempered 'Kuan Yin' before. She scolded anyone who asked her anything that she can't answer. But still, many people fell for it and thought that they have angered 'Kuan Yin'. I remembered asking my mom, how come 'Kuan Yin' is so angry, when she is supposed to be compassionate and merciful, like the one portrayed in Chinese dramas? My mom kept quiet.
We went to her for a few years and then stopped. I don't know what's the reason my parents stopped bringing us to see her. But at that time, my faith in Kuan Yin has already dropped. I can't believe Kuan Yin can be so nasty. So, I became free-thinker.
My parents are Buddhist but we are not staunch Buddhist. We don't have an altar at home and we don't go to temples. Maybe once a year, and that's about it.
I wondered, is there a bigger picture out there, beyond all this in my mind? I don't know what I am looking for, but surely I believe that if you are good, you will get good blessings. If you do bad, then karma hits you.
One day, while we were visiting one of our uncles, I saw in their room, a huge portrait of an Indian lady.
She was smiling sweetly and holding some roses in her hands. My uncle had set up an altar, with the wick and oil burning, as if worshiping this lady in the portrait. The moment I saw Her photo, I felt peaceful. I asked my mom, how come uncle is praying to an Indian lady? My mom said ask uncle and I was too shy to do so, so I dropped it.
During dinner with the uncle's family, aunty started explaining about the lady in the portrait. Aunty has always been very kind to us and ever willing to help anyone of us, when we were in trouble. Aunty told us, they are practising Sahaja Yoga and the lady in the portrait is Shri Mataji, the founder. Aunty further explained that through Sahaja Yoga, we can know a lot of things, through our fingers. Our hands will tell us where is wrong, what is right, how's our health and so on. I was intrigued. I wanted to know more.
I was 20 when I received my self-realisation, given by my aunty that very same day we had dinner together. I felt cool breeze. Then aunty introduced the classes to me and I brought along my friend.
That's how I started Sahaja Yoga and have been practising for over 10 years.
After so many years, I asked myself again. Why are we here? Not here, as in here in Sahaj. Sahaj has been a great support in my life and that's where I found me and I found God. But what's our purpose in life? Reason being was I am in the midst of understanding my own ego, the biggest obstacle in my life. Shri Mataji said, don't fight with our ego. Prick it with a pin to burst it. Make fun of yourself. I am still seeing how to do that and watching how the ego comes up.
While trying to understand myself more, I could see this ego business started at a pretty young age, at the age when we were too young to make our own decisions. So, do we blame our parents for our ego? Definitely not. We are big enough now to understand. But I could see how terrible this ego has become and how it is affecting so many people. Sometimes I tell myself, if you can't beat them, join them. In fact, by doing so, it just got a little worse.
Is material being so important in our life? More important than spiritual being? Why are we hankering after money so much? To the point of breaking relationships and higher crime rates?
Is it because of ego, we think we are above God, and that we can achieve more with money? Didn't God gave us everything we already have?
So, do we accept everything around us? Or we go on seeking? Do we keep on being judgmental and only look up to people who has material wealth? Why are we jealous of people who have achieved more than us? When are we satisfied with what we have? Why is money such a big issue?
I don't have an answer to all these. Sometimes I do envy people who are rich, who have so many things in their life, and seemed so happy and satisfied. But truly, do we look into their lives to analyse their happiness? Is happiness spelled out in dollars and cents? There are also some poor people, who had so little in their life, but are the most joyful being. Do we envy their joy?
For me, joy sometimes comes in big package, sometimes tiny. Sometimes little things can give us joy. Through Sahaja Yoga, I began to understand, how to be joyful. There were so many times I had felt extreme joy, the most was the last day in Vashi, which I have blogged before.
Another time was in Brahmapuri, and we met Uncle who is the caretaker of the ashram there. Such a simple and humble man. He was satisfied with the little things he had and doesn't ask for more. A simple morning breakfast with fresh cows milk was best thing enjoyed.
Many of my friends also tell me that they are looking for something bigger. They don't want to work their whole life, earning that money but with no satisfaction. Some of them thinking to venture out of this country, out of their job to seek. But what are we seeking?
With ego and so much of jealousy and envy, I can't see the joy in my life. But slowing down one day, I saw that a simple man has so much more joy in his life. He doesn't have much. But to him, he is satisfied. All he needed was love.
I am seeking for that little joy in my heart, which comes and goes and not consistent. I am seeking that one day, I will be satisfied with whatever I have and grateful for what God has given us.
I believe our purpose in life is to spread love and joy. But if we can't feel it in ourselves, how are we going to do it?
Life is so full of surprises and God always test us. Some day are not good days. Some days are superb. Just when I am happy, somethings happened to turn it around. And it's always people around us. I can't control them, I can only control my own ego. And there's so much to learn.
Maturity has to set in. Over the years, our parents indulged us very much and gave us the best they can afford. They made so many decisions for us to the extend, we lost ourselves and now we don't know what's the best decision. We think we know more, through our ego, but in fact, we are so immature. We blind ourselves with computer games, deafen ourselves with horrible music and dumb ourselves with vulgar words.
I wish I can write better, with more vocabularies, deeper subject about this, but I can't. My writing is like a child.
Pray to Shri Mataji to guide us on how to love others who had hurt us before. Her love is so tremendous, how come we can't do the same for others?
Sahaja Yoga is a never-ending journey. There's so much to learn, to experience, to enjoy. I wish people can read this and understand that if you are looking for something a little more, seeking for something deeper, then do know more about Sahaja Yoga.