Of ego, of negativity, of collectivity, of marriage...

I have been wanting to blog for a few days, but just can't get myself to do it.  I wanted to put more photos, especially those recently captured photos, but I have lost the cable and now unable to load any new photos.

Past few days, has been eye-opening days for me.  I have discovered a few new things, well, some not that new, but it's still something that makes me see with my eyes instead of just hearing or imagining or whatever.

First, I realised that, many times, the main thing that is stopping me from ascending, is my ego.  It's not something new though.  It's been there.  I see it on and off, but sometimes don't recognise it.  Now I see it more in the witness state and watching the drama, where I am the main actress.  It's the main hindrance in anything that I do. The best part (and I mean it) is that I know where this is coming from.  It's been there for ages, ingrown in the system, encouraged by the society and now it's not easy to surrender.  The only way to get rid of the ego, is to surrender.  Don't let the ego be so bloated until it covers the heart.  Shri Mataji, I surrender my ego to You.

Second, I have discovered that negativity attacks, anywhere, anytime and it could even be in us, whether we know it or not.  I feel for me, many times it's the negativity that is stopping me from meditating.  One day, I was feeling a little 'bleh'.  I felt very worried and left sided.  I thought of just doing my regular meditation and foot soaking and be done with it.  But that day, my conscience told me to do 108 names of Shri Mahakali.  As I started with the first few names, the negative thoughts were still in my mind and tears started streaming down my cheeks.  But I remembered the doctors in Vashi used to discourage crying because that encourages left-sidedness.  So, I held on the tears and continue reciting the names.  When I finished, I felt so relieved and inside I felt peaceful.  I didn't feel so left sided anymore and felt positive once again.  I prayed to be stronger and pray not to absorb anymore negativity.

Third, I realised that there are many things happening simultaneously in our world right now.  Whether it is the Sahaj world or not, there are good and bad things happening.  While I feel it's very important to give self-realisation to as many as possible right now, but what I am feeling stronger is that, the time has come for each and every Sahaja Yogi to grow deeper inside individually.  No more excuses about being too busy, still not good enough, still don't understand much, still young, still new, still fresh and so on.  Shri Mataji have given us EVERYTHING!  If we read all Her talks and listen to all Her speeches, we will know that whatever we needed is ALL provided for by Her Holiness.  When each of us become stronger, able to be Her true soldiers of love, able to imbibe ALL Her teachings then when we come together in a collective, our power itself is enough to overcome anything in the world.  This is what I feel very strongly.  Each one of us MUST work on ourselves and be deeper and stronger.  

Fourth, the more we delayed our wedding, the more negativity will attack.  And it's very scary especially when we are not together.  All I can do is just bandhan and pray that everything will be good.  Anyway, I just have to accept everything that will happen.  I can't meditate for another person, all I can do is shoebeat, bandhan and paper-burning.  The rest, I have to surrender to God.

Another thing I found about Sahaj marriage is this:  no matter how many years we are in Sahaj (me 11 years and he 3 years), the moment we had our Kundalini tied together as one, the moment we tied the knot, our journey starts then, together.  Shri Mataji said, it's like two wheels of the chariot, referring to husband and wife where no one should dominate the other.  Instead, we should help each other to ascent, though in the end, the journey to ascent to the Kingdom of God is an individual journey, but together, as a couple, we can help each other to reach the destination.  Whoever is lagging behind, the one who is at the front should go back a few steps to help the one behind.  

Also, although at times I see him as being the complete opposite of me, but sometimes I feel he is also my mirror, reminding me of my weaknesses and telling me what I need to improve on.  That's the beauty of it.  

Past few days, the vibrations have been tremendous.  Sahasrara is cool and when that happens, everything around me work around me.  Inside is calmer, more meditative, more attentive and more joyful.  

Shri Mataji, I feel You by my side, on this journey of life.  I surrender everything to You.  Thank You again and again, dear Mother.  Thanks for all Your love and compassion.