I just watched the movie Eat Pray Love and realised how many similarities I had with Liz, the main character in the movie. Some things are a little different. Like I didn't go to Italy to eat. Malaysia itself is a food haven, why need to go anywhere else. Of course Italy sound much more classic and romantic. A place where beautiful things waiting to happen.
I am not going to be like Liz and write about my adventures. I can't write well.
I feel many of us have an Eat Pray Love moment in our life. Probably it happen only once in a lifetime or maybe more than once in our life.
For me, I was searching for myself. I was searching for an answer about life. I came to Sahaja Yoga out of curiosity. Someone told me that I would know a lot of things, some things about myself and some things about my surrounding. I was a very curious 20 year old girl and was very interested into fortune telling and stuff like that. So I was hooked.
But after 1 year, I was still not able to know things or find out things about myself. I could not feel vibrations. I could not understand many terminologies like 'Recognise', 'Attachment' and 'Surrender'.
Then my cousin who was a year older than me passed away in a tragic car accident. This incident hit me hard. I stared at the sky asking for an answer. Mostly to answer my whys. I could not understand anything at that time. I was 21 and felt like my life is changing because of this incident. I felt my life was not perfect anymore. And that death occur to anyone, even to people close to you. Not just those headlines you read in newspaper. You can become a headline too. But what I wanted to know most was 'Why her?'. I don't buy it that God love her more so God took her away. I don't think God would take her away like this, so tragically.
Anyhow, I don't know who else to turn to, but Shri Mataji. I sat in front of Her photo and asked Her all those burning questions and hoping for an answer. If I don't get an answer, then I told myself that there is no God in this world. That I would leave Sahaja Yoga because I can't get an answer. I don't know things as people said I would know.
Amazingly, Shri Mataji made me the assistant Yuva Shakti leader that very night at the collective after I came back from the crematoriam. I didn't get an answer still, but I got a post. I was excited and so I thought to myself, let's stay in Sahaja Yoga a bit more. Something interesting is happening.
During this difficult time, I struggled to forgive myself and let it go. Divine was helping me to understand and finally I got my answer. The answer didn't bring my cousin back to life but it did settled my heart. I began to unravelled the mystery of life and start to understand that there is a higher person above me. That someone up there is looking down on us all. That there is God after all.
After a few years in Sahaja Yoga, I managed to completely let go. It took some time, a few years to finally end the grieve and move on with my life. I forgave myself.
Then for the last 2 years, life was difficult again. I guess there are always tests in Sahaja Yoga, maya and illussion in the quest for our ascent. I slumped into my darkess hour. I think I have mentioned this before. I fell into a deep hole. It was dark and I was so scared. Although at that time I already know what life is, but I was not trying to get the meaning of life. I was trying to make my life meaningful. I had my ideas and I thought that those ideas were perfect. But somehow the Divine didn't think so and had other plans for me.
I fought with the Divine. I doubted my vibrations and I lost my faith. My ego was ruling big time over my heart. Divine was watching over me all the time but I totally ignore all the hints and cue.
Finally it reached a point that I was too tired of fighting and things were not going the way I wanted it to be. The more I fought, the deeper into the hole I fell. Things started to expose and the angel took the devil away. I gave up fighting and decided to follow the Sahaj path. I went to Vashi.
Just like Liz in the movie Eat Pray Love, Vashi was my India ashram. I was trying to forgive myself, my past and all the fights. I wanted to get a good clear out and most of all, I wanted 'ME' again. The 'ME' who was there before. The 'ME' who believed in God. The 'ME' who once had faith.
The first night I was in Vashi, I had a dream. In my dream, someone told me to forgive. Let it go and move on with my life. But I was still unable to do it until a miracle happen on the last day in Vashi.
It began with the collective morning meditation. I had a lot of thoughts and was wondering why I didn't get a good clear out despite being there for 3 weeks. Why was I still feeling so unhappy and guilty about my past? During the whole guided meditation, I was just thinking. Finally the meditation was coming to an end, by singing the mahamantras. This is when the miracle happened.
During the first line of the mantra, I could see visions of how I was hurt so badly because of my ego. During the second line of the mantra, I could see visions of how I have hurt people around me who was trying so hard to help me. And during the last line of the mantra, I could see visions of how I have hurt Shri Mataji. Tears were just streaming down my cheeks and I could not meditate anymore. My head was bursting in pain and I ran to my room and had a good cry out. I was like, 'Oh great. It's my last day here and instead of getting any better, I am having a massive headache. Just great.'
After breakfast, I went for my meeting with the doctor. She did the usual round of clearing. Started with Ganesha Atharva Sheersha and I had tears just streaming down my cheeks. I told myself not to cry because we were not encourage to cry but I just cannot stop the tears. But something interesting was happening at that time. I don't know what it is but I could feel the Divine love through the doctor's clearing. At the end of the clearing session, the vibrations were so good and the doctor said, now I am ready to go home.
I left the clearing room with such a joyful and open heart. I was almost skipping to my room and skipping out to the street. It was my last day in Vashi and I wanted to buy some Indian sweets back home. I skipped to the road, alone and unaccompanied, I watched the many 'Autos' driving past, listening to the endless sound of honking and smelling the dirt of the street. I was enjoying myself for the very first time in my life. Truly enjoying. As I walked past many people who was staring at this lone Chinese girl in punjabi suit with her shawl over her head because it was very hot, I smiled to myself and looked at the sky. How blessed I was! I felt on top of the world. It was about 15-20 minutes walk and I didn't feel scare or insecured. I saw women in saris chatting with each other, men selling sugar cane water with this traditional sugar cane presser. I actually went the wrong way but manage to get my directions right after asking a few people. Got to the sweet shop, got what I wanted and skipped back to the hospital. Delighted that I have got what I wanted.
I felt like a child again. In the end I realise that I don't have to make my life meaningful by doing silly things or having funny ideas. My life is already meaningful because I have understand that there is God and that God will take care of everything. Shri Mataji is always in my heart and all the deities are always guiding us. There is no worry. As long as we are happy, the world will be happy too. Finally, I understood the word 'Surrender'.
I came back to Malaysia feeling like a new person. I know my life will be getting better and more interesting. I just need to follow the flow. The rest just surrender to Shri Mataji and it will be taken care of. I just need to do my best and surrender the results.
Came September last year, I was very lucky to have found a match. Another blessing by Shri Mataji. Just like Liz, I found true love. And now my life is just like in the movie when Liz said to her darling, 'Let's cross the border.' Well, not exactly like that but somewhat like how the scene ended, showing Liz and Felipe on the boat to the special island and the camera zooms out and all you see is the beauty of Bali, first the sea, then the islands and the skies. And you see the boat moving towards an endless sea. So I feel my life right now is like this. A start to a very interesting journey.
Sometimes I am a little afraid, sometimes being human I have doubts too. And sometimes being me, I think too much of many good and bad possibilities which may or may not happen. Life goes on and I am sure this journey is going to be wonderful. Shri Mataji watches every move and I know She is loving and protecting me.
Eat Pray Love. Didn't eat in Italy, did pray in India but didn't find love in Bali. Mine will be a wedding in Italy, prayed in India and love in China.