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Recognising Shri Mataji


Everyone who comes to Sahaja Yoga has a story to tell. Here's my story :

I received my self-realisation on 8 April 1999. At that time, I don't really bother about Sahaja Yoga. I still went to discos and pubs (although I don't drink). I don't footsoak and don't meditate. I still hanged out with my friends till wee hours in the morning. Life was fun, free to do what I want, no restrictions (I was in college then, rented a place with a few friends).

The turning point of my life came after my cousin sister/best friend passed away in a car accident in 2000. She was a year older than me. She passed away 5 days after my 21st birthday and I didn't get the chance to give her a treat although I have promised her.

I felt very guilty, upset, angry, depressed, sad and lost. The burning question in my head was "Why?". But I feel now, the actual question in my subtle system was "What is life?". I was so angry with God, angry with Shri Mataji even (pulling my ears as I am saying this), and basically I felt so lost in this world. I don't know what to do, who am I, what is my existence, and again why?.

The evening after the cremation was the weekly Sahaj collective meeting. I was so stubborn and basically weak and hurt inside, I told myself, 'Shri Mataji, please give me the answers to all my questions. If I don't get it by tonight, I will leave Sahaja Yoga for good.' Can you believe it? I was threatening Shri Mataji. Well, as I am still in the collective, that means I got my answers. But it was not that night.

Shri Mataji has planned out everything but I was very ignorant to everything that has happened. That night, I was elected as the Assistant Yuva Shakti Leader. Seetha was elected as the leader. It was the first time in Malaysia, an assistant was elected. In previous years, Rueben and Simon were elected as the leaders, but no assistant. I still can remember the whole event. Uncle Ivan announced that Seetha to be the Yuva Shakti Leader and then asked the whole collective whether they agreed, and they all said yes. Then Aunty KT said, since Seetha is studying and working at the same time, she needs someone to help her and she proposed my name. The collective agreed again. I was so shocked. When they called my name, and I was supposed to stand, I was numbed and just sat there. Inside my head, so many questions were going on. "Shri Mataji, I don't want to be assistant, I want answers!!!"

Anyway, I was speechless, don't know what to say. I agreed to take up the responsibilities. I went home that night, questions still unanswered and I cannot leave Sahaja Yoga now because I have new responsibilities. I guess this is the way Shri Mataji kept me in the collective because She knows that I cannot say no to responsibilities.

From then on, every Saturday night I will attend the collective meditation. But I was still lost, I still don't know what I was doing.

At that time, I keep hearing from Shri Mataji's tapes and books that "You must recognise Me." I was asking myself, what does that mean? I thought to myself, I recognise Shri Mataji. If I see Her anywhere, I know who She is. What does She mean by that? I even looked into the Oxford dictionary to find out. I thought maybe there's another meaning to the word recognise.

One evening, Seetha decided to have a meeting with me in the ashram to discuss about a project. She was staying in the ashram at that time . While waiting for her in her room, I saw a book on her bed and I took it to have a look. It was 'My Memoirs' by Babamama. I was just flipping through the pages, didn't really want to read the whole book, and I stopped at the page in which Babamama was telling how Shri Mataji explained about the creation of the Universe. I read on and suddenly felt a funny feeling inside me, I feel more wise all of a sudden, and can feel like vibrations going up my body. All this while, I was still reading that chapter. Then after finishing that chapter, I felt I know something, but I don't know what exactly. I know I felt more wise. At that very moment, I recognised Shri Mataji. I understand the word recognise. My whole world suddenly has changed. I was not depressed or sad. I feel so joyful for getting my self-realisation. So glad that I am still in Sahaja Yoga. I felt different.

I didn't get all my answers immediately, but my questions were gradually answered. I feel now, that's Shri Mataji's plan. Before She can work anything on me, I have to recognise Her, which is one big step towards our ascent in Sahaja Yoga. From then on, I got out of my guilt slowly. My heart healed as time went by. I become stronger and settled inside. That is the power of Sahaja Yoga and Shri Mataji.
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