Being a new mother

Oh wow.  Since I have kinda neglect this blog, the readers have also left.  I might try to revive this blog when I feel better.

Lately, I feel things are not going my way.  And no matter how much I pray, I still feel nothing is moving.  In fact, it's just one obstacle after another.  Yesterday, I have a spiritual conversation with my other half and at the same time a WhatsApp message of Shri Mataji's extract came.  How apt it was.

The reason why I don't update this blog so often now is because since I delivered my girl, I have been going through challenges after challenges.  Before one ends, another arises and it's continuous.  Personal challenges, work challenges, spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, financial, family, you name it.  All came at once.  All at the same time.

I have decided that this blog is only about my spiritual life and being positive.  If I am in a bad mood or not in balance, I will refrain myself from writing on this blog.  Hence, my disappearance for the past few months.

Being a new mother is never easy.  Having to deal with a newborn is difficult.  Waking up in the middle of the night, just to change diaper is not something new now.  From the beginning of my baby's life, I didn't have an easy time.  I guess I am not alone.  

Not only have I neglected my spiritual blog, I have also neglected my spiritual self.  So much so that everyday, I find myself giving excuses if I didn't have time to meditate or if I cut short my clearing.  And each time, the excuses were baby related.

I want to give the very best for baby.  So day after day, I make sure I do everything right for her.  Breastfeeding, vaccination, doctor's checkup, etc, I made sure I follow through.  Breastfeeding was the biggest challenge, which I am glad to say now things have ease and better.

My entire attention and focus is now mainly on baby.  I would love to write everything about my new life here, but then this blog will be converted into a motherhood blog.  I am still trying to find my feet in motherhood and Sahaja Yoga.

I get extremely nervous when my baby cries.  But now I began to identify her cries.  First she will give warning.  If still no sign of attention given to her, her cries will be louder and finally the loudest.  Which is why, I am afraid to go anywhere with her, even to collective.

I became so out of balance and then I finally realised that I have lost the connection with Shri Mataji.  I haven't been meditating well and not clearing properly either.  At the same time, I kept on wondering if Shri Mataji has forgotten about me.  She hasn't but I think I have neglected my connection with Her.

Perhaps because of that nothing seems to be working out for you, my other half said.  Yes, I think this is why.

I forgot that to be balance, I need to focus on meditation and surrender the rest to the Divine.  Instead, I focus on baby too much until I lost the feeling of joy and find it a burden and hassle.  I don't know how to enjoy life and baby.  As much as I wanted to provide and give the best to her, I hardly spend time with her because I was too much focusing on how to breastfeed and kept on pumping away.

Every time I read Shri Mataji's excerpt on motherhood or about taking care of small babies, it's usually for mothers who doesn't work.  So I find myself hard to relate to my new life and Sahaja Yoga.  I tried to find the connection, but couldn't and ended up blaming myself for failing to be a Sahaja Yogi.

In the end, I became so frustrated, trying to stand on my feet again, trying to be one with the Divine and trying to find peace in my new life.  I began to blame everyone around me.

Now as I write, I begin to see the root to my problems.  My other half has been supportive of everything I do right from the beginning, but I couldn't enjoy it.  I keep thinking I am doing things for baby but I think in the end, it's just my ego.

OK, no more excuses.  Time to get back to balance again.