The songs singing in my head

From young, I can always hear songs in my head.  No, not that I am hearing things.  I could hear myself singing to myself, in my head.  Not aloud.  Sometimes I don't even realised that I am doing it.  

After many years in Sahaja Yoga, it dawned upon me that this is also part of attention.  Where is our attention?  When there is singing in my head, there is no thoughtless awareness.

So, I did a test to see where my attention goes.  I found that sometimes that particular song in my head reflect my psychological being, about what are currently in my thoughts.  And the song only starts in the morning.  Based on this finding, I can judge where my attention goes, eventhough I told myself no thoughts.  It was quite an interesting experience.

On Wednesday morning, I started singing Whitney Houston song, 'Greatest Love of All' in the shower.  It started in my mind softly and I ended it loudly.  It's the lyrics.  Pay attention to the lyrics.

"Greatest Love Of All"
I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be


And if, by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place

Find your strength in love

The day before, I was thinking about my nephew's upbringing.  There are things that I agreed and things that I disagreed on how he is brought up.  So, the first verse can be explained.  

If I have a kid, I will show him/her all the beautiful things that God has created.  The flowers, the trees, the vegetables, the animals, the sound from these animals, the wind blowing, the beautiful sun.  I will let him/her feel and touch all these and let him/her enjoy nature as much as possible.

The second verse is about me.  I have always been looking for a hero, for someone to look up to.  Being the eldest, there was no one in front of me to look up to.  When cousin June left, I felt all alone.   It's only now, that the chorus applies to me.  That after so many years, I came to understand that I am an adult now.  No longer under my parents' shadow.  

You can say this is a form of introspection also.  It's just interesting to see where my attention goes and how my thoughts were processed.  Coincidentally, or maybe not, I visited a Sahaji sister on Monday and she gave me some Sahaj advise.  See, my thoughts were purer, more surrendered, more positive.

Yesterday and today morning, the chorus from Les Miserables, 'I Dreamed a Dream' has been playing in my brain like a broken record and I have no idea why.

You see, the interesting things about these songs are, they are not like the latest songs, or something in the top charts, or something that I have heard not long ago.  These songs are songs that I have heard many years ago and now starting to creep out from somewhere in my brain.

"I Dreamed A Dream"

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
So dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed

This song makes me want to introspect more on my current being.  I know that something in my life is not really going the way I want it to be.  I did say I want to surrender and probably need a song for that.  So, I am assessing why this song is in my head so much these days.  It's a very sad song.  Just look at the lyrics.

Yes, I did have a dream and that was broken.  Sometimes somethings are beyond our control.  In Sahaj, it's all meant to be.  We are all looked after, all taken care of.  So, we just need to accept.  We just need to have faith and surrender.

Now I can see.  On Saturday night, after a full-charge at the collective, there will be positive feelings and energy and good vibrations.  Thoughts also will be good ones.

Then come Monday, back to work.  This week I met a Sahaji and was charged up again.  But if I don't meet her, my energy levels continue to drill down and will only get charged up on Saturdays.  Not too good right?

I have to admit, meditations are not that great.  Rushing through it.  Didn't put much thoughts and energy into it also.  Maybe that's why.

Also, need to spend more time with Sahajis.  

Today is Friday and will get charge up tomorrow.  But meantime, better see where this attention is going.  Will continue to hear what songs will be playing and acknowledging them.

Interesting life, isn't it?