Taking a break

There's just too much happening at the same time.  So much of planning, preparing, executing and finally the actual action that take place.

Since the end of the seminar, while everyone enjoyed the 3 days of bliss and now back to day-to-day life, I on the other hand was busy chasing reporters for their National Seminar articles and getting the designer to discuss about new designs, etc.  At the same time, the Yuva Shakti field trip is ongoing and I have to remind the respective state reporters to remember to write and send us the photos.

This is because there will be 2 Special Edition Yuva Shakti Newsletter issues, one to focus on the National Seminar while the other on the Yuva Shakti field trip, releasing end of July and August respectively.

Meantime, I was busy trying to get cheap tickets to Cabella and was staring at the websites like it is a stock exchange data.

Happening at the same time was also my cousins' wedding.  Cousins, not 1, but 2.  Last weekend was booked because of one cousin's wedding.  This weekend will be booked to because of another cousin's wedding.  And being family, we were to help out with the preparations, fooling the groom, cleaning up, monitoring the ang pow collecting process, etc, etc.

While waiting for reply on cheap flights, I was preparing the itinerary for the Australian Yuva Shakti for their field trip in KL.  Also, was thinking what souvenirs to give to the yuvas.  

Also, happening right now is my handover as Yuva Shakti leader to the newly formed National Yuva Shakti committee.  

In the end, like right now, I am so exhausted.  Too much thinking, planning until I forget things, forgot what work I was supposed to do, forgot this, that. 

And there I go again, forgetting that I have choices in life, that I can choose to take a relax path, and just leave it to the hands of Shri Mataji.  

I still cannot understand the word, 'to surrender'.  There are so many definitions to it.  

Some people says to surrender means no need to do anything.  See what happens.  See how the Divine will work it out for us.  So we just sit and wait and see.

Some people told me that once we have done our best, just surrender the results to Shri Mataji.  Don't worry about it.  But we must do our best first.  We must do our part first.

I don't understand.  I will do my best, I will plan, think, execute.  Then I get so tired.  Does it mean that to surrender now is that to just stop doing anything?  Then I wonder, if I don't do anything now, after all the planning and preparations, then how will it work out?

My problem is I cannot see past this ego.  Have you notice how many 'I' was written above?

I know my health was neglected because of all the rushing and thinking and doing things.  Everyday, I will be thinking what should I do next.  Then I will be thinking about what I have said.  It's either the past or the future.  

My tiredness and exhaustion came from over-thinking.  I will think 10 times before actually executing anything.  Not balance at all because it's either thinking of the past or the future.  The ego gets flattered if what I did was complimented and the ego wants to do more things in the future.

End of this month, I will be much freer.  Retired.  I will welcome the break and focus on my inner self.

Right now, I need to surrender.  Not to learn or try to surrender.  But I have to surrender.  

Shri Mataji, verily You are the Doer and Enjoyer.  I do nothing.

Surrendering to attain Thoughtlessness

"Many people say, "we have surrendered everything", but it does not happen because they do it only in talking. Surrendering is not talking. You have to surrender to attain thoughtlessness. That is you have stopped thinking. When you stop thinking you come to the center. When at the center, immediately you go into thoughtless awareness, i.e. become one with God's power, and when you are one with the God's power, He looks after you. He takes care of your small things also. You will be amazed. It is worth trying and after that you will realize that what you were doing earlier was wrong. So once you are in thoughtlessness you will get all inspirations, all powers and everything."

H. H. Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi
(Nirmala Yoga, 1982)